Page 2 of 97 FirstFirst 12341252 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 961

Thread: Jokes!

  1. #11
    Just doing my thang ODIN7916's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    88
    Thanks
    11
    Thanked
    119
    Rep
    38
    Mr Smith was having problems with his Unit, His wife made an appointment to see the doctor. After some test's the doctor came into the examination room with the medical report.

    "Well Mr. Smith" said the Doctor, "I have some bad news"
    "What is it" Asked Mr. Smith.
    The doctor looked at the report and said.
    "Well I'm afraid your penis has only 12 erections left in it, After that your penis will be useless"

    Leaving the doctors office Mr. Smith walked slowly home thinking what to do.
    Upon opening the door to his house his wife was there waiting for him.
    "What did the doctor say she asked"
    " He said that my penis only has 12 erections left and after that it will be useless" Mr. Smith said with a frown.
    "Well we will have to make a list of things to do for sex before it becomes useless" Mrs. Smith said.
    " I did make a list on the walk home and your not on it"

  2. #12
    Just doing my thang ODIN7916's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    88
    Thanks
    11
    Thanked
    119
    Rep
    38
    One more!

    A mentally retarded guy goes to a store. He walks in and says, "I wanna fob.". The store clerk answers, "What do you want?" "Fob!" the retard replies. "Oh! a JOB!" says the clerk. "All you gotta do is buy me a gallon of gas, a bucket, and a cocker spaniel, then the job is yours." ofay," replies the retard.

    The retard goes to the gas station. A young man is at the counter. The retard says "i want some ass" The man at the counter is bewildered. "What do you want?" "I want some ass." is the reply. The young man, putting two and two together, realizes he wants some gas. so he gives him the gas and the retard leaves.

    The retard next goes to the Quik-E-Mart. An old woman is at the counter. "I wanna fuck it." says the retard. "Oh my Lord! Why would you want that?" says the old woman. The retard points to a bucket and says"Fuck it." "Oh!" says the old woman. The retard leaves.

    Next he goes to the Pet Shop. A young woman is at the counter. "I wanna cock and spank it." says the retard. The young woman understands what he wants and, without saying a word, goes and gets him a cocker spaniel.

    Well as it turns out, while the young man was walking to the place he wanted to work, the cocker spaniel runs away. He goes up to a man and says, "Hold my ass and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it."

  3. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to ODIN7916 For This Useful Post:


  4. #13
    Getting horney. Clorox2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Posts
    354
    Thanks
    212
    Thanked
    794
    Rep
    47
    What did the zebra say to the 8?

    Nice belt.

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    What do you call a turtle with an erection?

    Slow poke.

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    How do you make a tissue sneeze?

    Put a little boogie in it.

  5. #14
    Administrator PUCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Fryslan
    Posts
    34,379
    Thanks
    35,338
    Thanked
    53,516
    Rep
    1112
    There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
    "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
    The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
    Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you."
    He knew what it was. "Oh my!!" he shuddered, "It`s Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
    He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
    "Come quick!" he said, "You won`t believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
    The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can`t you see I`m finding it hard to walk as it is!"
    After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..."
    The old man whispered, "Boy, you`ve been tellin` the truth! Let`s see if we can see the Devil himself."
    Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me, and one last one for you. That`s all. Let`s go get those nuts by the fence, and we`ll be done."
    They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
    Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

    When you like a post, hit the "Thanks" button !!


  6. #15
    Administrator PUCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Fryslan
    Posts
    34,379
    Thanks
    35,338
    Thanked
    53,516
    Rep
    1112
    A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

    CHEESEBURGER: $ 1.50
    CHICKEN SANDWICH $ 2.50
    HAND-JOB $ 100.00

    Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

    "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you? "

    "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

    "Yes," she purrs, "I am."

    The old biker replies, "well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger!"
    Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

    When you like a post, hit the "Thanks" button !!


  7. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to PUCK For This Useful Post:


  8. #16
    Administrator PUCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Fryslan
    Posts
    34,379
    Thanks
    35,338
    Thanked
    53,516
    Rep
    1112
    Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

    "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

    "What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

    "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

    Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"

    Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"
    ********************************************
    One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

    She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

    "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
    Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

    When you like a post, hit the "Thanks" button !!


  9. #17
    Administrator PUCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Fryslan
    Posts
    34,379
    Thanks
    35,338
    Thanked
    53,516
    Rep
    1112
    A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."

    The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."

    The clerk replies "Anything?"

    "Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.

    He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants."

    She does. "Take it out", says the clerk."

    She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..."

    She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

    ================================================== ========

    A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

    One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.

    "Well," the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"

    "Oh yes, Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!"

    ================================================== ========

    Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

    The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

    A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

    Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

    The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

    The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
    ****************************************
    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

    As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

    The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

    Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

    He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
    again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

    Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

    "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

    Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
    Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

    When you like a post, hit the "Thanks" button !!


  10. The Following User Says Thank You to PUCK For This Useful Post:

    osf

  11. #18
    Administrator PUCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Fryslan
    Posts
    34,379
    Thanks
    35,338
    Thanked
    53,516
    Rep
    1112
    Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went
    downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!",
    and possibly have a present for me.
    As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".
    I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast
    and didn't say a word.
    So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
    As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!"
    It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
    I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's
    such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".
    I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
    We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a
    little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal
    tremendously.
    On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't
    need to go back to the office, do we?"
    I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
    She said, "Let's go to my apartment".
    After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm
    going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back".
    "OK", I nervously replied.
    She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge
    birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all
    singing "Happy Birthday".
    And I just sat there...

    On the couch...






    Naked...
    ================================================== ======
    A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more -

    Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

    The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies, "Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here."

    "Oh why, is that where the job is?"

    "No sir - that's where the end of the line is!'
    ================================================== ========

    The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

    'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

    He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

    The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

    The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

    So the Pope slapped her.
    Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

    When you like a post, hit the "Thanks" button !!


  12. The Following User Says Thank You to PUCK For This Useful Post:

    osf

  13. #19
    Administrator PUCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Fryslan
    Posts
    34,379
    Thanks
    35,338
    Thanked
    53,516
    Rep
    1112
    Honestly, what were these people thinking when they registered these domains?!

    1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
    www.whorepresents.com

    2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
    www.expertsexchange.com

    3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
    www.penisland.net

    4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
    www.therapistfinder.com

    5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
    www.powergenitalia.com

    6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
    www.molestationnursery.com

    7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
    www.ipanywhere.com

    8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
    www.cummingfirst.com

    9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
    www.speedofart.com

    10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
    www.gotahoe.com
    Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

    When you like a post, hit the "Thanks" button !!


  14. #20
    Administrator PUCK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Fryslan
    Posts
    34,379
    Thanks
    35,338
    Thanked
    53,516
    Rep
    1112
    The IRS decides to audit Ed, and summons him to the IRS Office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ed shows Up with his attorney.

    The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant Lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain By saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS Finds that believable."

    "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ed. "How About a demonstration?"

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

    Ed says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite My own eye."

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

    Ed removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw Drops.

    Ed says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I Can bite my other eye."

    The auditor can tell Ed isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

    Ed removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost Three grand, with Ed's attorney as a witness. He starts To get nervous.

    "Want to go double or nothing?" Ed asks. "I'll bet you Six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your Desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, And never get a drop anywhere in between."

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks Carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage That stunt, so he agrees again.

    Ed stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although He strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the Wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all Over the desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just Turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ed's attorney Moans and puts his head in his hands.

    "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

    "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ed Told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty Thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all Over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."
    Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

    When you like a post, hit the "Thanks" button !!


Page 2 of 97 FirstFirst 12341252 ... LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •