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Thread: Jokes!

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    Founder Aaron's Avatar
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    Jokes!

    Apparently Japansese scientists have invented a camera with a shutter speed so quick it can actually take an in focus picture of a woman with her mouth shut.

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    Founder Aaron's Avatar
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    A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

    Man: "What are you doing here today?"

    Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

    Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

    The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

    Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

    Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

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    A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
    "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
    He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
    "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
    The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
    "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
    "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
    "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

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    Administrator PUCK's Avatar
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    A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Boobs."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    A gorgeous woman gets into a taxi. She says, "To the airport, please." After a few minutes, the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, "You're third pregnant woman I've driven to the airport today." She woman, indignant, says, "You must be kidding. I'm not pregnant." The taxi driver says, "Well, you haven't arrived to the airport yet, either."
    Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

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    Administrator PUCK's Avatar
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    A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
    Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

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    Administrator PUCK's Avatar
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    Two old drunks were chatting in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
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    An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"
    Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

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  11. #7
    Getting horney. Clorox2's Avatar
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    Why don't lobsters like to share?

    They're shellfish.

  12. #8
    Just doing my thang
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    A blind man walks into a china store with his seeing-eye dog. He grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging him around knocking things over and breaking them. In just a few seconds, the cost of the damage he has done is already astronomical. The manager of the store, completely aghast, runs over to him and says: "SIR! Can I help you???" The blind man says casually: "Naaahhh. Just looking."

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    What do they call the sweat that runs down a hillbilly's balls after he gets through fucking his sister?






    Relative humidity

  14. #10
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    In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde.

    "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

    Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

    "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

    Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

    Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

    "Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes."

    "Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?""

    "Now tell me, what the f*#k would you say?"
    Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

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